Its 5 minutes past midnight and I don’t feel like going to bed right now, my depression has started to make its way back and instead of ignoring it, I am going to write.
"you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have" -Unknown
I don’t know how some people who have a life threatening disease or have a loved one with a life threatening disease manage to have a smile on their face every single day. Like you are going through something terrible you have every right to be sad and depressed but no you see them with a smile on their face. most of the time you can probably see that they are faking that smile, but they are trying their hardest to smile and be happy for the sake of everyone else around them. I will never understand how they can do that, but I give them a lot of props.
you’re probably thinking well why is she bringing this up? well I have depression and sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to act sad and down all the time because there are people who have it a lot worse than me. that is part of it, but another part of it is, my brother Austin, who has Autism, and Fragile X (a genetic mental impairment linked with autism) and he is currently in the hospital and has been in there for a week now. first he started out with Jaundice (yellowing of the skin) and then we quickly found out after that, that there was more problems beside this Jaundice, that the jaundice was caused by something else. Austin’s spleen is enlarged and he has hemolytic anemia. if you don’t know what that is, it means the body does not have enough red blood cells and his hemoglobin content (blood protein) is low. on top of this Austin’s red blood cells are basically chewing each other up, so every time he gets a blood transfusion it doesn’t last long. the spleen is your resvoir for blood and its supposed to filter the blood out to be put back into the body, because his spleen is enlarged it is not doing his job. you can however live without a spleen and after a week of giving him ivig (intravenous immunoglobin) to try to bring his numbers back up, its not working so they are going to take his spleen out.
now any regular person would be irritated and pissed being in a hospital that long, cause lets face it, everyone is cranky and irritable when sick, and wouldn’t want to be in a hospital that long at all. now if you can only imagine having a developmental dissabilty and being stuck in a hospital for that long and then having to get surgery on your spleen…. yeah it sounds like a nightmare. my mom barely left his side. the only time she comes home is to shower and get a change of clothes. she is basically living at the hospital with him because he can’t do this alone. my dad is also going back and forth to the hospital which makes everything more complicated.
of course all of this has to happen during the holidays, what worries me is that austin won’t get out before christmas. after he has his surgery he will be in there for another week in recovery and hoping that all goes well and they don’t have anything wrong with him. however during his surgery for his spleen they are going to look in his bone marrow to make sure there is nothing else wrong.
its the holidays and your supposed to happy and cheerful so forgive me for being depressing right now. its hard to deal with all this and having no one to support you and always be by your side. I’m used to always having my mom around for comfort and support but shes not here. my dad is at work, and when he’s not at work hes at the hospital. since they are gone I have to tend to the house and my younger sister who is 14. I have to stay strong for her, and my parents and my brother, I need to have that brave face and be the shoulder to lean on when they need me. but its so hard, I can’t have this brave face on all the time so I manage to cry when no one is around or when everyone is sleeping. I have to be strong for everyone else so they know i’m ok and they won’t worry about me.
honestly I don’t know how people who have to deal with this day in and day out, manage to stay strong like this. I give you guys so much props, cause i’m having a hard time right now.
that quote that i posted at the beginning fits my situation because you never how stronger you are until being strong is your only choice. you have to be brave and strong for everyone else around you to show them that they can be strong too.
I pray for all those struggling out there
I pray for those with a life threatening disease
I pray for those who have loved ones with a life threatening disease
I pray for all those out there holding on by a thread
I pray for the homeless, the starving and the poor
I pray for the souls in need out there
I pray for everyone no matter what you are going through that you can manage to stay strong
I have learned many things in my life time, but one thing I am learning is starting to make a lot of sense to me now. You can’t live a positive life with a negative mind. I know it sounds cliche but it’s so true. You can’t expect your life to positive if you always have negative thoughts. If you simply start being more optimistic and learn to love yourself all the negativity will fade away. You have to think positive to have a positive life. You cannot have any negativity in your life because it’s very toxic. You need to surround yourself with positive things, and positive people in order to achieve this. I know that requires making changes, but change is for the better especially when it comes to your mental health. You don’t have to cut out every single negative thing in your life right a way. You can start by just limiting the amount of exposure you get of those things and slowly let them fade away from your life. It sounds hard but trust me it’s worth it in the long run.
6 the most unlucky number of all, most people associate 6 with the devil, such as 666. It makes since in this instance cause I went 6 months, without cutting, which is a long time for someone who really struggles like I do. But of course 6 months was long enough because on Friday I cut. Maybe it’s this whole number 6 thing… I mean 6 months without cutting and I cut on november SIXteenth. You could say possessed by the devil and he was causing me to think and do bad things but the only one to blame is me. I did this to myself, I cut my own beautiful skin, I let myself down and the people who love me down. In that moment right before I did it, no one could stop me. I was in the shower, saw the razor there, I was feeling so much pain and guilt, that I thought “why not?” I needed someway to let it all out. Not the best way to let all your feelings out but it was the quickest way I knew how, and I felt like I needed to punished. So I grabbed the razor and began cutting my thigh but initially it looked like it wasn’t working so I proceeded to cut my wrist, turns out both spots left marks. The easy part is cutting, once you do it’s hard to stop. But the hardest part is telling the people you love and who love you what you did. I know most people keep it to themselves but after I cut I felt so ashamed that I needed to tell someone what I did, so it wouldn’t go unnoticed and i would have someone to help make sure I wouldn’t get hurt again. That’s usually how it happens with me, I cut then tell someone, when I should tell someone before I start cutting. I hate telling people after I cut because they always think I’m gonna do something worse like kill myself, which I honestly think I would never have the guts to do because I can’t hurt the people I love like that. But still, it’s hard to just break everything down and tell someone cause you don’t know how they will react. If they will be angry, sympathetic or confused, sometimes it’s a mix of all three. Because out of the people that I tell only one of them has cut before and would only truly understand why I did it. I just don’t like doing that to people I love. So your probably wondering well why do you cut in the first place if you don’t like hurting people? Well most of the time I act before I think. I don’t think about the consequences and how my actions will effect others. I’m mad at myself for cutting and breaking my streak but then another part of me doesn’t care. I swear there is a demon inside of me that is trying tear me apart, but as long as I’m still standing that won’t happen. Everyone has relapses its a part of recovery, but I believe that one day I will make it through this, and see the light at the end of this never ending darkness. I will survive.